Superman: Ultimate Flight - A Review

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Superman Ultimate Flight: A Review

For Halloween the WB’s went to Six Flags for the Fright Fest. Over the past few visits we’ve been slowly honing our day-long Six Flag visitation skills. We’re getting better. Our very first visit we stayed there from open to close on sheer nerve. Now, it takes some careful planning and lots of Tylenol. Over the years, our Sammie has been dying to ride the Superman ride but was never tall enough, nor I skinny enough, to fit in the seats. That is, until this time.

Now, I’m a Batman fan myself, but it was the first ride Sammie and I jumped in line for. The line was short for Six Flags but it was a good hour-long wait. I tend to get nervous about roller coasters until two things pop into my head: 1) they are built to be safe. Building them to kill people would be counter-productive. And 2) Having flown in planes, which is much riskier and at a 1000% higher altitudes and speeds and distances, how can any roller coaster come close to hurling your lumpy-self across the country? Once I get those in mind, I’m good.

The ride is designed to simulate flying like Superman. And who among us has never dreamed of doing so? This ride comes closer to any other roller coaster I have ridden. I was soon sticking my arms out like all the other saps. It was fun, fun ride. The music and the sensation of floating helped the experience as well. What added to the specialness was this was the first ride my Sammie and I shared, making it that much more special.

Highly Recommended.

Harry Potter and the Two Late-ass Reviews

Hello All;

So sorry that these are late. Potter-philes everywhere have been hounding me for weeks now. Not really. Anyway, I hope you enjoy. (SPOILER WARNING in inviso-text)

:[ Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is the shortest of all the movies so far, yet is based on the longest of all the novels. As a result I felt that for the first time that I was watching a Harry Potter MOVIE rather than an adaptation of the book. If you are a fan of the movies then you will come away feeling that this moved right along at an efficient pace with good action, acting, and special effects.

If you are a fan of the books, you will no doubt, check off all the tiny subplot and minutiae the producers dropped in order to trim down the movie. It does touch on the highlights of the book, meaning Harry’s journey towards a showdown with You-Know-Who. So many threads of the book are dropped so that the filmic threads can play out.

Order of the Phoenix deals with the aftermath of Voldemort’s return, seen in The Goblet of Fire. The Ministry of Magic happily denies the return while denouncing both Harry and Dumbledore. This leads up to McCarthy-esque machinations as the MOM begins to interfere with Hogwart’s staff and curriculum. A new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher and Ministry Minion Delores Umbridge (Imelda Staunton) is effectively trite and annoying refusing to teach the students how to defend themselves (And teaching only a "Ministry Approved" curriculum.) and eventually comes to run Hogwarts through Ministry Proclamations and goon squads.

Meanwhile, Harry must deal with a distant Dumbledore, a link to Voldemrt’s mind, Umbridge’s detentions, and the realization that more and more people and friends have come to harm or are placed in harm’s way in order to protect him. Throw in hormones, a kiss and this could be any teen drama (sans magic).

Harry, along with friends Ron and Hermione feel they cannot stand by and form Dumbledore’s Army, an underground student group with Harry standing in as a Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor. Harry also discovers his place in the War in the form of a prophecy and mind link to Voldemort which leads to a daring rescue of Harry’s godfather, Sirius Black, the excellent Gary Oldman, in the Ministry’s Hall of Mysteries, culminating in a pitched battle between the reformed Death Eaters and the Order of the Phoenix and Dumbledore’s Army.

For me the biggest surprise is Harry, growing up. In my mind (even as I read the books) he’s still just a sprout but when Phoenix flashes back to the previous movies, we see that Harry has come a long way since "The Sorcerer’s/Philosopher’s Stone". When Ron and Hermione describe Harry’s exploits to their fellow students I had forgotten how much Harry had already been through. Our Harry is maturing.

It is good to see old and new characters, however brief; Mad-Eye Moody, Professor Lupin, Tonks and Kingsley Shacklebolt are proof that the movies are doing their best to stay with the books and also that the actors are in them to the end to contribute continuity to the remaining movies however small. Oldman’s Black is a welcome return. His scenes with Harry in the Black Family Room are touching. Black represents a chance for family and normalcy to Harry. When Black is killed by Bellatrix LeStrange in the Hall of Mysteries, Harry must deal with feelings old and new, the feeling of loss and of revenge. I loved how subtle and quick the Sirius’ death scene had come.

This movie does not propel the overall story forward to any large degree. It seems more a character adventure and saddled with keeping the characters fresh until Part 6 and 7 come out. Still, it is an action-packed adventure and unless you are a HUGE fan of the books (And all but YOU are), then you should find "The Order of the Phoenix" the most pleasurable of all the movies. (Unless you are a film snob that digs whatever Wes Anderson does and viewed "Prisoner of Azkaban" only because it was directed by Alfonso Curan of "Y Tu Mama Tambien" fame, and you thought it was "A’ight". I kid. But not really.) I enjoyed this movie and I looked forward to David Yates’ adaptation of "The Half-Blood Prince" and my adaptation of "The Deathly Hallows".

Recommended.

:[ Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Now that all the hype has passed, we can stop and take a clear look around and see that yes, we have survived the deathly hallows and our lives go on. J.K. Rowling wraps-up her worldwide best-selling opus on a fast-paced, high note of finality. The series is most definitely over with. For those of you who sat out the series, while you can read it later on, missed out on something special that we have not seen the likes of since, I’m guessing Tolkien’s releases of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Rowling does deserve a place along side him in that she too has created a vast mythology that will span the generations. Yet, in a world of internet and instant-gratification-split-second-attention spans, she has lured millions upon millions to wait on the release of old fashioned, paper-bound books like they wait for tickets for the next big thing. She has made millions of people worldwide to actually sit and read books. (In Tolkien’s Era, books were the norm. Today, they are an inconvenience or device for the pseudo-inltellectuals.)

Deathly Hallows picks up where Half-Blood Prince and its shocking finale leave off with Harry, Ron and Hermione taking up the task given them by Dumbledore, finding the remaining Horcruxes (Introduced in Half-Blood) which contain a fragment of Voldemort’s soul and could be key in rendering him mortal. Meanwhile, the War with Voldemort has escalated with the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters gaining ground constantly.

The book opens with the regular visit with the Dursley’s. It is Harry’s final summer with his care givers and he must say goodbye to them as he comes of age and the protections spells disappear. He must say goodbye to his aunt and uncle and their relationships remain pretty much intact as the scene plays out in usual Dursley fashion ending with two surprisingly touching and tender moments.

Then we are thrust into an action-filled chase to the Burrows, and it is during this chase that we experience the first of several character deaths. The first being such a surprise that I did not see it coming because this character has always been there yet never so much that you would not miss them until they are gone.

Rowling leaves no one safe. Voldemort is out to kill.

From there we are whisked from a wedding to Harry and friends on the run in their journey to find the horcruxes, questioning Dumbledore’s directives all the way, as well as their friendship. The pace leaves many things to be wrapped up quickly, but the story does not suffer from it. We follow Harry, the focus of the books, in a series of extremely daring escapades as the hunt for the horcruxes leads them to the discovery of The Deathly Hallows, three magical objects that allows the bearers to cheat death. Now, Harry is faced with the choice of continuing on what seems an impossible mission for the horcruxes that could defeat the dark lord or finding the Deathly Hallows which could help him survive the inevitable showdown with Voldemort. Harry becomes more tempted to abandon the mission in favor of the Hallows when he learns the dark past of his mentor Dumbledore.

In this book, more that the others as Harry grows to adulthood, he learns that not all adults are what they seem to be, including Dumbledore, his Godfather, and more.

The Death Eaters have been winning the war with more and more submitting to their control. Harry is considered an outlaw. As the trio discover the remaining horcruxes, they are pulled deeper into dangerous situations in which Harry’s bravado balanced with Hermione’s smarts keep them alive to move onto finding the next horcrux. Most thrilling of which is their breaking into the unbreakable bank Gringott’s, culminating in the most exciting and coolest scene of the series. This isn’t Year One and staring wide-eyed at the effects of magic now, it’s fighting for your life. Rowling’s writing separates this grown Harry from the young Harry by instill sheer nerve and magical talent.

Soon, each mission leads them back the Hogwart’s School of Wizardry and Witchcraft, where the war spills onto the school grounds as Harry re-emerges from hiding having decided to face Voldemort and find what could be the final horcrux. Old favorites make return appearances as all the school houses prepare for the battle and the Order of the Phoenix and Dumbledore’s Army re-assemble to make a stand against Voldemort and his Death Eaters. All of which carries Harry to his prophesied confrontation with Voldemort, with twists and turns that fit and a surprising reveal of the final hocrux.

This is indeed the final Potter book.

The book, unlike so many "final parts" keeps us guessing as to the final outcomes. Rowling keeps the tension high throughout the book and the pace and threads built through past books The Deathly Hallows wraps up excellently and Rowling’s writing for the series is at its best.

Much has been made of the high body count but for me it added an urgency to Harry’s exploits and gave real consequences to the war. Those tend to get overlooked from time to time and I applaud Rowling for knowing kids can take it. There are many shocking and surprising deaths. Overall, this is a great read and a fantastic final part of a very long story.

I had to sneak-read my twelve-year-old’s copy or go to the bookstore and read one off the shelves, but I have decided that I want to own my own copy.

Yes, there is a finality to it. I know there will be no more Harry Potter books and your favorite character probably bought it, but questions are answered, surprises revealed, loves sorted, and as seen in the chapters, and much like reality when all the hype died down, life goes on afterwards.

Highly recommended.

True Diary - A True Review

The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-time Indian
By Sherman Alexie
Illustrated by Ellen Forney
A Review by Ernest M. Whiteman III


I have just finished reading Sherman Alexie’s best book ever.

It had taken me just under four hours, on and off throughout the afternoon and evening. I just could not stop reading this marvelous short novel, written for young adults, from the moment I picked it up. I want my wife to read it, that is how good it is. So good I immediately began writing this review on the el train ride home after work.

Praise coming from me may not mean much to accomplished author Sherman Alexie but I must say that "True Diary" is better than most books I have read within the last year (Better than "Deathly Hallows", which I also loved. But "Three Kingdoms" is still my overall favorite). The last few books that I have read straight through were Harry Potter’s 4 through 6, and Bradbury’s "Fahrenheit 451" which I read in one night in about 2 and a half hours (And still remains at the top of my favorite books list.) and was my tenth reading of the book.

"True Diary" is the story of awkward Spokane teen Arnold Spirit Junior and his attempts to fit in to a society that constantly rejects him for being different. That society is the Spokane Indian tribe after Arnold decides to go to the local town school of Readon High, off the reservation, after seeing that his reservation’s school’s geometry book has his mother’s name in it. What follows is Arnold coming to grips with "betraying" his tribe, fighting to fit in at the all-white school and his triumphs and tragedies with his tribe and reservation.

Alexie paints a compelling portrait of Native life by drawing on his own childhood experiences. Alexie, like Arnold, was an awkward teen, born with Hydrocephalus, and attended an all-white high school off the reservation. Alexie does not sugar-coat the problems Arnold faces on and off the reservation, which is surprising for a book aimed at young adults, nor does his drown it in grief-porn. Alexie has come to the same conclusion that I have about young kids, take away the adult-child dynamic of our interactions with children and we will be surprised about what they know, have opinions on, and can take in terms of their view of the world.

Alexie was mixed up in a racially-charged moment of his own recently when he spoke to high school kids at Naperville North High School. But I felt he took too much of the blame as he was just relating a story about his own experiences. That story is in the book and it is offensive in every way but Alexie’s words make the incident relatable. At least to me. Alexie is just interacting with the students as fellow people and not sugar-coating racism. But that is just my opinion. Alexie knew a lot of students can stand it and they did.

What is most precious to me about this book is that evokes my own times on my reservation, the people, the attitudes, the circumstances. Though I was never a smart Indian that took a chance at something better. I opted to remain on the Wind River because what other options were truly presented to me? Plus, I felt that a family connection was more important and that remains so to me today. This book reminded me of the people and times and environment that I left behind when I finally left the reservation eight years ago. It is a bittersweet read.

The story weaves through many of the troubles Arnold has fitting in among whites and being rejected by his tribe and it culminates in true young adult novel style in the "Important Basketball Game" that climaxes the book. But the pay-off, while standard, the reactions to it are what make this book his best work as Arnold comes to some harsh realizations about himself and where he has place himself.

I must admit to coming close to weeping at least three times while reading this book on the trains. I teared-up openly, without shame, at its tenderness, its evocation of my own memories, its unsparing look at the dynamics of the reservation family. Truly a tour-de-force book from the hands of one of the best writers of our time and of any race. A great book, I highly recommend it.

The Jounery of Crazy Horse - A Lakota History

The Journey of Crazy Horse

A Lakota History
By Joseph M. Marshall III

Reviewed by Ernest M. Whiteman III

"Crazy Horse is the only Indian Man that Indian Men are allowed to be in love with."

This book represents a Lakota history in the truest sense. In that Joseph M. Marshall is a Lakota himself, raised by family and grandfathers, taught to give respect to, take part in and most importantly, be responsible to a Lakota way of life. At the center of that lifestyle, according to Marshall, stands the Oglala leader Crazy Horse.

Marshall was raised on the Rosebud Reservation hearing the deeds of Tasunke Witko, so much so that like most (if not all) Native men, developed a mythological image of the historically petnia-coated figure called Crazy Horse. The man that has gotten lost in a haze of sepia tones and boyhood dreams. Marshall writes in hopes of connecting to that figure that is constantly forgotten about when set along side of the legend.

As one western movie put it, "If you have a legend and you have the truth. Print the legend."

And so many have since the death of Tasunke Witko. Marshall though has a very unique perspective of the man, the myth and the legend. Because Crazy Horse is one of Marshall’s people. They came up the same way, though in different eras (born almost exactly one hundred years apart.) Both taught from a young age to be responsible to a way of life that was true to the Lakota of the times.

I first met Joseph M. Marshall III when he was my instructor for an Introduction to Native American Studies course back at Central Wyoming College in the early nineties. Back then though, he was going by the simple name of Joe Marshall. He is a knowledgeable man though not beyond using ideas he garnered from past students. It irked me at first but I realized that he was doing what the best teachers do, like my own mother and father, he learned from his students. I have come to respect the great lengths he goes to, to preserve a way of thought and life which he brings to his writings.

I honestly cannot tell you if he would remember me from that class if you asked him. But I would like to jokingly tell you now, that only after that class did he begin going by Joseph M. Marshall III.

I also count myself among the Native men who have deified Crazy Horse. He, along with my father are the two best men I have known and in a sense, never known. I still carry in my mind the image of the Rider, the Dreamer, the Warrior, the Lightening. Many writers, including myself, have taken our shots at writing the "Definitive" biography of Crazy Horse. Mostly with mixed results.

Mari Sandoz and Stephen Ambrose are the more famous for theirs. Lonesome Dove Writer Larry McMurtry’s short version for the Peguin Life Series has become a personal favorite. McMurtry writes that many historians "print the legend" and thus tries to avoid the myth. But this gives him little else to write about after dismissing the large volumes of histories out there. But his straight-forward attitude about it not being his history to write and his way with the turn of phrase has made it my number one book on Crazy Horse.

That is, until now.

Marshall’s book should be, no, needs to be listed right up there with Sandoz and Ambrose, maybe even above them. Because Marshall is not simply writing another biography on Crazy Horse, he is telling us the story of Tasunke Witko.

This book is not algow with twittery prose espousing Native-nature terminology, nor is it an exercise in showing how many Lakota words he can spell correctly. Marshall draws on a rich historical tapestry that is never in history books. He draws on the stories and tales that have been passed down to him through the years. What gives these stories credence is that Marshall’s grandfathers were the sons of Crazy Horse’s contemporaries. He lays out the vast cultural differences and sets the stage for change that Crazy Horse fought to prevent.

Most histories focus on the battles of Manifest Destiny and rarely covers the ground of pre-Oregon Trail contact. Through the stories Marshall paints a picture of Lakota life before the encroachment of whom he rightly deems European Immigrants. This is Lakota land that is being invaded and Marshall tells of what was at stake that made the Lakota fight hard to protect it. Marshall does what few writers do, places Crazy Horse in the cultural context of his times and shows the changing of the Lakota world that Crazy Horse was on hand for.

Some have found this book a bit over-reliant on Native "word-of-mouth", but that is just another reflection of the cultural differences that Marshall plays out in this book. Just as whites need books to look to, to assure their histories happened, Natives have the old people, the storytellers, the scars, the experience to prove our histories are real, and that is no different to us than whites needing books. (Which is why American Society treats their elders like used books, I guess, they tuck them away never to be read or they throw them out.)

Here is a Native author, instructor and researcher writing a biography of a man that has been relegated to the white man’s history books. He is telling as accurate a story as any of the non-Native biographers yet his is criticized for not being over-reliant on the non-Native perspective.

The non-Native historians tend to push either the Warrior Savage who learned everything about fighting from the whites, and that was the ONLY way he could have defeated Custer and Crook, or the Mystical Savage who is lost in a haze of dreams and smoke, only fought when his dreams told him to. Here, Marshall plays out the cultural differences mainly though how each side dealt with war. Marshall conveys a Lakota warfare dependent on landscape, knowing the territory and your own abilities. Also, how Lakota warfare, which brave acts and honor were highly prized, was different from the non-Native form of war, which was to kill as many of the enemy as possible, inflict a lot of damage. This was the most eye-opening for me.

What I love about Marshall’s telling is that he is able to get under the layers of mythology and gives us a look at how Crazy Horse must have lived as a boy, as a fighter and as a man. Crazy Horse experiences the same things we all do, love, death, and conflict. But Marshall does not play them up for ideology, but firmly roots them in the Lakota lifestyle.

Marshall's book made me think of my own father, who was no less a warrior than Crazy Horse. My father did what he felt he had to do in the circumstances of the times. He experienced love, death, and conflict, yet counted that as a part of life. That was this books greatest gift to me. Marshall presented a legend as a man and helped me understand my father a bit more.

All sons have an idealized perspective of their fathers. No one ever really believes that their parents had full and complete lives BEFORE becoming our parents. Marshall’s book brought me closer to that understand because his telling of the life of Tasunke Witko, showed me that there were circumstances, a way of living, of loving and dying, of conflict with enemies, a way the world was before Tasunke Witko became Crazy Horse the Legend, before my father became a parent.

So, now I will place this on my shelf next to the other biographies of Crazy Horse knowing in at least, in this one book, I have a Lakota story of Tasunke Witko.

Highly Recommended

DEATH PROOF - DVD Review

Deathproof - DVD

Yawn...

Let’s face it people, Quentin Tarantino is skating. His career, with its meteoric rise with "Reservoir Dogs", dual points on a peaking curve that are "Pulp Fiction" and "Jackie Brown" and downward slide that was "Kill Bill vol’s 1 & 2", is now mostly kept afloat with snappy dialogue, genre homages, cool soundtracks, chicks crying and a singular performance that gets the most press.

"Jackie Brown" represented "QT" at the height of his powers. It had not one, but several stand out performances, (Most notable: Grier and Forrester), crisp dialogue, tight editing, a killer soundtrack, (the best of all his movies), plus the added ingredients of Tarantino deftly handling the works of another writer and the amazingly rare addition of a ‘soul’ which proved our boy was growing up. Just look at the chemistry, the desire, yearning and need from Grier and Forrester, for each other. No need for sex, or to make statements about race, age, or class, yet all those things are in those performances. That was a near perfect movie.

Now, we are sadly saddled with this extended version of his truncated entry into the "Grindhouse" double feature, which in truth, could have benefitted from some indiscriminate editing. I never got to view "Grindhouse" in the theater and now it looks like it will be next year when I can pluck down twice the price of a movie ticket to view it at home. Yet, my viewing of "Death Proof" could not have been much different that what appeared in theaters. I was running back and forth between my writing, film fest stuff and job searches and back to viewing this movie in segments. I feel that I did not miss anything. I saw it in chunks. I can see why they went with the "Grindhouse" version for theaters.

"Death Proof" is constantly described as nod to low-budget 70's chase movies, like "Vanishing Point" (Which gets referenced in the movie, a lot. I mean really pushing it for Tarantino.). Yet, it is never described in terms that actually tell you what it’s about. Check the ads, the press, the reviews, the DVD cover. All say it’s an homage to low-budget 70's chase movies like "Vanishing Point". Therein lies the ultimate fallacy of one Quentin Hurbert Tarantino.

"Death Proof" is about a stunt car driving serial killer called Stuntman Mike, a scarred and wasted (in terms of material, not intoxication) Kurt Russell, whom flirts with hot chicks and later kills them with his car. If you have seen the previews, you pretty much seen the plot of the movie. The in-betweens are filled with really long talking portions with QT overstuffing the dialogue. There is also a lap dance sequence that seems to have been cut from the theatrical run for no reason other than it featuring a lap dance. (You know because grindhouse guys used to cut stuff like this back in the day. You think it would have been raunchier.) Sure, the dialogue sounds cool but it is nearly 30 minutes until we see Kurt Russell, the supposed star of this movie spouting QT-cool dialogue when Mike mentions his stunt work on some old, obscure TV western. We take too long getting to know characters that are going to get killed off anyway, that it just seemed like an opportunity for characters to speak the QT Speak and Kurt Russell to "Act".

It’s supposed to be scary. Not boring. When the first crash happens nearly 45 minutes into the movie I was thinking "Geez! Finally!". I know this is the extended edition but I do not see how any of the added footage makes the movie enjoyable. It shows rather, that QT knows nothing about the pacing and tension-building of a scary movie. Which is what it is supposed to be. If you say it’s a chase movie, you’d be wrong. There is only one chase in the whole movie.

Then in the middle of it, for no apparent reason, he plops one-note actor Michael Parks playing a role he played a dozen times. For no apparent reason.

Another thing that bugs me lately about Tarantino is that no matter how tough and badass he makes the women appear in his movies, they always blubber and cry at the first sign of trouble. Why even the real stunt woman, who plays herself, begins to wail when Mike shows up. I disliked that about Kill Bill (but I tons of problems with Kill Bill.). And I would like to see a movie where a woman is on par, on level, on an even playing field as the men.

Anyways, Stuntman Mike begins stalking another group of pretties, led by Rosario Dawson, with that girl from "Sky High", the brunette, (And also starring Kurt Russell) in a cheerleader outfit, and two stunt women. (One, the real stunt woman Zoe Bell in a strong acting debut). This time, Mike gets in over his head as the women turn the tables and the only chase scene is on. The cheerleader gets left out of the rest of the movie, being in it for no other reason than she was wearing a cheerleader outfit. Crash. Beating. The end.

I know what some of you are saying. I am NOT supposed to take this seriously and that I am reading too much into it or expecting too much. Some others will say that I just don’t see what QT is doing (Yet, no one has ever stepped up to tell me exactly QT is doing. Not since KBv1, anyways.). That I don’t get it. I hear you. But come on.

Let’s face it. QT is making gimmick movies.

All his post-"Jackie Brown" work hinge on the audience connecting his movies with movies from other genres; KB touches on the Spaghetti Western, Sergio Leone (Please, let’s all leave Leone alone from now on. Please.) Shaw Brothers kung-fu movies, and Samurai Epics like "Sword of Doom" and "Miyamoto Musashi". You know, the stuff we are not supposed to take seriously and pat ourselves on the back for recognizing the flute from "Kung-Fu" or seeing a box of "Fruit Brute" or hear actors say something witty about kitsch 70's television. His "Inglorious Bastards" is to be a WWII epic, but we know he is just going to mimic Samuel Fueller. Right?

All of this gimmickery just lets him off the hook from making a full and complete movie again, movies like the people he emulates made/make, like he did once or twice. I know, "Jackie Brown" was an homage to the Blaxploitation flicks of the 70's. But watch it again and you can see he balanced that with a maturity and depth that he has yet to recapture. Some day, maybe. Until then we are stuck with the shallow pursuits like Kill Bill and Death Proof. One day that promising genius will comeback and surprise me and I will be there to watch it.

Death Proof DVD: not recommended.

Snicker Doodles: A Review

I promise, this review has a "Native American" connection.

With thanks to Rod Pocowachit.

I was in the OCB in Niles, IL yesterday and for my dessert I felt like cookies. As I browsed the selection, snicker doodles caught my eye. My first thought was back to the First Nations film screening at the AIC. I had always wished I had the presence of mind to serve snicker doodles as a snack while we screened "Sleepdancer". (Anyone who has seen it will get it.)

So, in addition to three chocolate chip cookies and a small piece of cherry cheesecake (It was a buffet after all.), I grabbed a snicker doodle to try...

God, it was the best cookie, EVER!

My wife giggles at me as I immediately jump up to get some more.

Then, when I bit into the second cookie, which was as good as the first, I shit you not, over the restuarant speakers comes: "CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaan you FEEEEEEEEEEEEeeel, ....the love, ...tonight!" Yes, it was the perfect cookie biting moment.

I am smitten. Smitten by snicker doodles.

Now, I am a chocolate chip cookie man, myself. Nothing beats homemade CC cookies. For a store-bought snack, Oreos are still numeral uno in my book. But, God, these are just as good.

I have eaten sugar cookies. I have eaten butter cookies. The snicker doodles rises above these with its doughy consistancy and buttery-cinnimony flavor. I now have a three-way tie for my cookie love; Oreos, chocolate chip and now the snicker doodle. I greatly recommend.

Thanks to that "Sleepdancer" movie and Rod Pocowachit, you mad bastard.

Shoot 'Em Up - The Review (Warning: some adult content)

"You know what I really hate ...?"

No, Clive, tell us.

This silly, very bad, action cartoon asks that you never take it seriously. I didn't.

...I really, really, didn't. But in the end it was still pretty bad. But a fun bad. Even with Clive Owen doing his Tough Guy/"I'm still pissed that I'm NOT James Bond" schtick, Paul Giamatti in yet another cool-funny perfomance, AND Monica Bellucci as a prostitute, it still failed to live up to its own low expectations. I am an action movie fan. I dig me some gun battlin'. (Woo is still the best of the best. No matter how frenetic the editing that is employed. Woo created dance sequences.) I want to make an action movie. Heck, the first feature I am planning to make is an action movie, so I studied this movie. This movie seemed tired after the thirtieth or so gun battle.

Man, take it easy on the shaky-hand-held shots and micro-second cutting, we get it, it is an action-packed scene. We couldn't tell with all the loud shooting, screaming and mayhem that was going that you need to add "excitement" in the form of a camera man in the middle of a conniption and an edior with ADD. Come on.

There was a plot. Yes, there was. But it hardly bothers with it. Being bombarded with Clive's Sneer, Bellucci's Tears, and Giamatti's Leers, in between frenetically paced, cartoonish gun fights, left me feeling bored. Yep, bored. I said it. Even the Skydiving Gun Fight, a cool, original idea, is a letdown because it too is mired in the same style pacing of every other gun fight. This is the antithesis of "300", which slowed every little thing to a crawl, this amp them to minimalism. Somewhere along the line something derail between the planning and execution (hah) of this sequence.

The soundtrack rocked (Any used of AC-DC is welcomed.) but again boredom creeped in with the constant guitar riffs. Guys, how many Leone Homages do we need to suffer before we get to say "Okay you have in fact viewed other movies", how many of the so-close-you-can-see-their-eye-boogers shots do we need any how? Every action film should require one. Or less.

"Shoot 'Em Up" is still a fun bad kind of film. Because, only Monica Bellucci can imply nakedness without show us anything really, Clive's "Smith" character still brings her to climax during a shoot out, and Giamatti scowling and saying more funny-cool stuff, is fun stuff. So, if this seemed to be your bag of chips, by all means, go see it. But, be prepared to feel like you wasted your time and money on something you could TiVo off the satelitte dish in a few months.

Oh yeah, there is a newborn baby placed in constant danger. I mean, Michael Jackson dangling him off the balcony type of danger. Wait for it to show on cable for free.

Until next time: "You know what I really hate ...?"

Scalped: Indian Country TPB - A Review

Scalped: Indian Country TPB - Veritgo Comics
DC Comic’s Vertigo Imprint collects the first five issues of Jason Aaron and RM Guera’s series "Scalped". I caught sight of this TPB in a used-book store. What surprised me was that it was a very new book, published August 1st of this year, yet already rendered to the resell shop. (Clue#1, Scoob.) The cover design alone by an artist called JOCK interested me as it featured a great big Indian in a war bonnet on the cover with a silhouette of a casino sign beneath. Classy, I thought.

Every time I have picked up a comic book with Native iconography in the past, I usually end up disappointed because the stories usually have nothing to do with the Natives on the cover. Then I read the description of the story and I thought I would give it a chance, if only to write up this review. What follows, in addition to being a review, is an exercise in disappointment. Here now, Vertigo asks you pluck down $10 for this. I will save you the cash/credit and time as I have already dropped my $5 for you.

This collected trade paperback reprints the first five issues of Jason Aaron’s series "Scalped" a comic series that takes historical elements and re-writes them to suit the fiction better. After a long absence Dashiell "Dash" Bad Horse returns to the Prairie Rose Indian Reservation in South Dakota and finds the reservation has not changed. Same old, same old. But Dash Bad Horse has a secret, is he here to cause havoc, or take part in the criminal underworld that has enveloped this reservation, where, as the very first words of the series puts it, "Where the Great Sioux Nation came to die."

That’s it. What follows, from it ubiquitous Introduction from Current Comics Genius Brian K. Vaughn, which basically says Americans can hold providence over Natives if their writing evokes enough Native-ness, to its one-dimensional depiction of Native women is basically a re-working of "Thunderheart". I found nothing to encourage others to read this.

First and foremost, I am upset that a Native writer and artist could not have done this. Because the story is a list of standard reservation clichés; there is a casino being built that will "save the people", there is the usual struggle between the "Traditionalists" and the "Sell-Outs", there are sheep-like gangs, meth, there is constant talk of "The Old Times" and the dire need to get back to them, characters monologue-ing about how it used to be, giving history lessons and reciting reservation lifestyle statistics to the reader, there is an old man who talks to "The Spirits" and at the center of it all is one BIG ANGRY INDIAN MAN. All that was missing was the constant flute music.

A Native writer would have captured the nuances of reservation life. It is not always like this, hell, it is hardly like this. Conditions are deplorable yet the Native Experience tends to survive, find the good and move on however they can. Instead, with "Scalped" we get another outsider "telling it like it is", which is basically what many non-Native readers want: grief porn.

Some will say that the majority of readers are non-Native, but, to sell them grief porn, where all we hear about is how bad and evil and fucked up it is on every reservation, everywhere to allow others to "understand" how it is, is not telling a complete truth about Native life. Strange, that then the reader can simply close the book covers and move on. If it could be so easy. It is, do not pick up this book.

Readers can probably disconnect themselves from the Native baggage by deeming it a gritty crime story or a new noir fiction. But that tends to render the true problem invisible, a problem that hides in plain sight on the cover. Of course the first thing that caught my eye in researching the bio of the writer is "...he never set foot on an Indian reservation". Here we go again, yet another non-Native writer telling it like it is on "The Rez", having never set foot or interacted with Native people.

You can do all the research you want but it will never give you that "Native Experience". Once again the authorship of expertise wins out over simply letting a Native tell the story about Natives. This comic does not do that. No matter how witty, how well-reviewed, how much Vaughn touts it as "American", this series simply does not tell the tale of Native America.

Here is an interesting side note: inside the book I found a letter from DC’s Publicity Director. The letter is address to Editor, which means it is a preview copy and why I found it on the resale rack so soon. While the Director touts Aaron’s "The Other Side" he never fails to mention how Aaron and Guera have captured the "seedy side of Indian Reservations", hinting that they are all like this and this comic confirms that. He also explains the writer is available to speak about "the political and historical significance of his new series". (Emphasis, mine.) "Historical"?

The inherent contradiction is that something set on a contemporary reservation is being touted as historical. Does Expertise replace Native Experience even in the world of comics? Which begs the question, not "why can’t non-Native authors write this?" but "Why NOT let Native creators tell their stories?" Seems simple enough. But "Scalped" is more of the same, non-Natives telling it like is about the seedy reservations while the industry pats itself on the back for its enlightened presentation. Leave this one on the shelves.

COMING SOON: Harry Potter 5 & & Reviews!

SPIDERMAN 3: A review

WISDOM OF THE SAGES
REVIEW – SPIDERMAN 3

WARNING: SPOILERS

Hello all;

I know that by now that all of you, or at least all of you, have watched Spiderman 3 by now. I caught it recently and decided to give you my two cents on the matter. Whether you want me to or not.

There was enough going on for at least three separate movies. But I think Sam Raimi is moving on and wanted to get done as much stuff as possible so as to not pull a Bryan Singer and leave things undone.

In this episode Spidey is more popular than ever in New York. But Peter Parker is letting Spidey’s popularity interfere with his relationship to Mary Jane. Then we find out that the guy we thought killed Uncle Ben didn’t kill Uncle Ben, but this other guy, for some inexplicable reason, is the REAL guy who killed Uncle Ben but we are never told how everyone knows this but accept that it now gives Peter Parker a motive for revenge while never really dealing with the complication that it is his fault that Uncle Ben was killed in the first place. Follow me?

Sandman is really the weakest of the Spidey Movie villains. Never show your villain “petting the puppy” because it renders your villainy weak. Here, Sandman is just a regular guy robbing and killing people to help his cute little girl who is sick. So, I am sorry if you are offended by his random murders. I felt this back story was just there to give Thomas Hayden-Church some tender Oscar-worthy moments where he has to act sad.

We are also introduced to a black alien goo from an inexplicable fallen meteor which takes over Peter Parker’s Spidey costume for no other reason that it just happen to fall near him and he was there. This basically makes Parker act like a jerk but never do anything really evil other than that goofy-ass dance. (I know you think his Pumpkin-bombing the side of Harry Osbourne’s face was evil, but you know the schizophrenic jerk had it coming. Really.) After he realizes what it does to him Peter tears it off. The goo attaches itself to Parker rival Eddie Brock and eventually becomes the inexplicable fan-favorite character, Venom. Brock is woefully miscast in the form of “That 70’s Show” actor, uh, What’s His Name.

The multi-villain thing has been done to death with dubious results in the Batman films of the late eighties and nineties. I have always hated that “We hate the same guy so let’s team up” scene, but the one in Spiderman 3 came across as an inserted scene because they forget to write one in.

The best villain team-up scene will always be the innuendo-laced scene between Catwoman and the Penguin in “Batman Returns”. This one ranks below the Poison Ivy/Mr. Freeze team-up but above the Riddler/Two-Face in overall stinkiness. (Which one is the stinkiest? Does it matter?) Besides, poor Sandman is saddled with an emotional crisis of curing his child, so you know he’s not really evil. And that is what kills him as a villain. There is no threat there.

The whole Eddie Brock/Gwen Stacy (played by the yummy Bryce Dallas Howard) seemed to be another movie entirely. As did the whole New Goblin plot. Yes, that makes THREE villains! (Four, if you count the Green Goblin hallucinations that Harry Osbourne has.) But for me, the New Goblin thread was the strongest of all of them because it is a continuation of Spiderman 2 and resonates with the whole two best friends become enemies device that has been en vogue since TV’s Smallville.

And the death of a major character at the end would have resonated more if the New Goblin thread been the central focus. But we get this jammed-together kidnapping that echoes Spiderman 1. With Spidey just letting one criminal go, while easily destroying another that should have been indestructible. With Aunt May showing up at the right times to offer sagely wisdom when needed, Peter and Mary Jane come through unscathed on the other end of it. Roughed up maybe, but little worse for the wear. I just wish the journey had been more insightful and fun. Simply put, there was just too much going on to really let the ride take you over. ‘Nuff Said.


Oh, in case you are curious and I know you film-liker types are, here’s what I would have done:

Spiderman 3:
Had more about the arrival of the black costume.
A better origin for Sandman.
Had Spiderman defeat Sandman using the black costume.
The black costume moves. It LIVES!!

Spiderman 4:
Will be about the corruption of Peter Parker.
The break up of Mary Jane and Peter. His dealings with Eddie Brock.
His confrontation with the new Goblin ending with Peter pumpkin-bombing Harry.
He rids himself of the black costume after all the nasty stuff he does.
End with birth of Venom.

Spiderman 5:
The rise of Venom taking revenge on Peter Parker.
The return of sandman.
The climax of Spiderman 3, only, not so rushed.
By now, we have enough back story that the Lizard can arrive at the end of part five.


But who asks me?

Anyways, more reviews as I see the movies, read the books, watch the DVDs.

You have an opinion or comment, please let me know!!!

Until Next Time….

FLIGHT - By Sherman Alexie

BEWARE: MINOR SPOILERS

I also have to admit to being charmed by this book. It is imaginative and touching, especially towards the end. Flight has everything Alexie’s Native fans and Lovers-of-all-things-Native could want; an off-beat, unexpected half-white protagonist with a Native point of view, an acerbic view of ancient Native life, a comical grasp of the hypocrisy of violence, and a sensitive, adoring view of Crazy Horse. Crazy Horse is the only Indian man that Indian men are allowed to be in love with.

Alexie is a gifted writer. He also knows his audience very well. Probably better than any writer before him or since. His metaphorical tearing off of the beads and feathers at the end his movie “The Business of Fancydancing” is his way of making the statement that he is no longer a reservation Indian, so he will no longer write about Reservation Indians.

Flight is such a book. And that is okay with his audience. The story does not show the continuing lives of everyday Native people, but centers around a half-Native character’s mind trip through time and place.

Alexie now, is almost critic-proof. Sherman Alexie is the Kill Bill volume One of Native Authors. If you do not care for or like any book he has written, than you do not get it as well as his Native and non-Native readers do. Or you, as a Native American are jealous of his success (I get that a lot.) And his audience is okay with that.

What makes Alexie a gifted writer is that he presents this story in a way that draws you in and makes you care about Zits, the main character, irregardless that he is not another typical reservation character. Making him half-white lets the reader off the hook for feeling pity for him and lets them associate with his experience. Making him a petty criminal allows the reader to not feel sorry for him as a Native (Or his Native half) and to celebrate his redemption by a white family because he is half-white.

He knows his readers want to know about the decimation of Native peoples and culture and presents a startling raid a Native camp in which Zits leads the Calvary to. Alexie also knows that it is hip to present a de-mythologizing view of the teepee Indian.

Here is what disappointed me about the story. In Flight, he presents the Native American in very sad and rugged forms. The only two strong Native characters that I remember are Zit’s father, a raging alcoholic with demons, and Crazy Horse, the only Indian man that Indian men are allowed to be in love with.

There are no positive, strong Native characters to act flipside to Zit’s experiences and observations of other Natives, which are terrible. We get his father, who is so drunk drowning his own demons that he refuses strangers’ offer of help, or we get Crazy Horse in a very romanticize almost Christ-like visage, with gold eyes.

But Alexie is not that type of writer anymore. To expect him to create a Native-centric tale would be allowing my perceptions of what a Native writer should be allowed to do take over my enjoyment of his stories. They are touching and compelling tales, almost a series of vignettes. A series of short stories that I was nonetheless charmed by, even without a strong, positive Native character. What makes Alexie a gifted writer is that I was okay with that.

24: The EW3 Season

“The following takes place between…”

8pm – 9pm:
Jack Bauer comes home from work to an empty apartment, throws his man purse and gun on the foyer chair. Clicks on ESPN, calls some buddies about the game this weekend and fantasy leagues. Throws leftovers into the microwave and opens a sody-pop.

Watches Sports Center while brushing off Chloe who calls him about “doing something, maybe this weekend”.

Eats.

Reads the paper. And the mail.

Surfs the net. Watches some guy get a football to the groin on YouTube.

9pm – 10pm:
Watches the local news and snacks. Channel surfs. Hangs up on telemarketers. Uses the bathroom. Watches more TV. Looks over his DVDs but cannot find anything. Does some bill paying on-line, “Might as well get it done now”.

10pm – 11pm:
Decides to call it a night. But then he gets an urgent phone call from Bill Buchanan asking him to come in tomorrow even though it’s his day off, “Mm yeah, we’re going to need you come in, okay?”. Slams the phone, “Dammit!” Now, he isn’t tired so he surfs the channels again and checks his fantasy sports scores on-line, get the automatic coffee maker ready, “Looks like I’m gonna need this”.

11pm – 12m:
Watches the Daily Show, laughing out loud like a goon. Eats three bowls of cereal. The catches the last forty minutes of “The Shawshank Redemption” on Cinemax.

12m – 1am:
Wipes tears away as Andy and Red are reunited. Sees the time and goes to change into his bedclothes. Comes out of the bathroom in a tee, crazy “Father’s Day” pajama pants and his moose slippers and moves to set his alarm. Crawls into bed, reads Robert Ludlum for about 17 minutes before he stops, turns off the light, rolls over, clutches his binky and falls asleep.

1am – 2am:
Sleeps. Maybe rolls over.

2am - 3am:
Sleeps. Gets up and uses the bathroom all without turning on any lights. Goes back to bed.

4am – 5am:
Sleeps.

5am – 6am:
Sleeps. The episode ends when the alarm goes off in a electronic tick-tock sound, beep-boop, beep-boop.

6am – 7am:
Jack slaps the Snooze button and sleeps nine more minutes, then hits it again only to wake up six minutes later. He sits up, yawn, wipes the crumbs from his eyes, shuts off the alarm and sits at the edge of the bed for about ten minutes with the sleepy stares. Finally he rouses and gets up and we are treated to a 35 minute shot of his bathroom door while we hear the toilet flush, the shower, Jack’s off-key singing of Europe’s “Final Countdown”, his electric shaver, tooth brushing. He then emerges in a robe, his moose slippers and a large towel wrapped around his head, rubbing Antonio Banderas’ cologne on his face.

7am – 8am:
Jack goes to the pantry and takes more rolls of toilet paper into the bathroom. He then goes to his closet and here we find that his clothes are labeled by the days of the week and all follow the same fashion; a long-sleeve tee over his Husker Dü or Batman t-shirt, fatigue-like carpenter pants, and weird, long athletic socks with stripes like they wore in the 70’s NBA. His boots are day-labeled also. He changes into Wednesday.

In the kitchen he pours coffee, switches on the small kitchen TV to get a traffic report. Snaps his finger when he realizes he should check his lotto ticket numbers, “Not gonna work for the Government all my life,” he says hopefully. On-line, no matches, “damn it”.

He checks his man purse, throwing out a Hardee’s wrapper. “Oh shoot! I forget to type that up.” Grabs his cell phone, his wallet, a jacket, just in case, and his gun and heads out the door. Then back in to grab his car keys and back out again.

He gets on his Acura, starts it and puts in a Fall Out Boy CD and rolls out of the drive way. Down the road his stomach growls and he realizes he skipped breakfast. He pulls into the nearest Mickey D’s and around through to the drive thru.

8am – 9am:
"What do you mean your out of creamer?” He gets his bagel steak sandwich and hash brown, but his coffee isn’t ready yet. He pays with his speedpass and once he gets his coffee, he rolls out. He is stuffing his first bite into his mouth when he gets cut off at the exit and has to brake, spilling his coffee on his leg and passenger’s seat, “Dammit! Jerk Bag!!” Honks, memorizes the plate number and rolls for the interstate chewing noisily and singing along to track four.

He never makes it off the interstate on-ramp because traffic is at a crawl. “Damn, I should have taken the helicopter. I’d be across town in like 12 seconds.”

He dials Bill Buchanan and tells him he’s going to be a little late.

Bill: “Mm yeah, we’re going to need you to get here right away. Okay?”

For the last 34 minutes of the episode, we see Jack rolling along slowly in his car, finishing his breakfast and his coffee and singing along and changing CDs and cursing cars that cut him off “Yeah, they need you right away!”

9am – 10am:
Traffic starts to move a bit. Jack is tapping steering wheel now, anxious, he needs to use the bathroom. “I wonder if I should stop at the mini-mart?” He checks his watch and decides against it. He changes stations on the radio constantly, trying to keep his mind off it. Finally, his exit comes up and he swerves around a fruit truck and races for the exit ramp and down the street, a couple of turns, but is caught at a stop light across the street from CTU.

He is hopping in his seat now “c’monc’monc’monc’mon,dammit,c’monc’monc’mon”. The light changes and he roars into the security checkpoint, flashes his ID, signs in, does the fingerprint scan, retinal scan, mouth swab, keys in a PIN code, whispers his password, “Foxy Momma” into the voice recognition mic and is finally let in when Chuck the gate guard recognizes him and sees in him a man needing to pee. Chuck waves him past the big STOP sign.

For the next 11 minutes Jack rolls his car around the garage hoping to find one nearer the CTU entrance. No luck. “Stupid traffic”.

10am – 11am:
Finally, he parks, grabs all his things as fast as he can and gets out, locking the car with a “ee-oo-oop” and jogs for the entrance.

He stand in line, doing the hop, while people flash their ID, sign in, do the fingerprint scan, retinal scan, mouth swab, key in a PIN code, whisper a password, and are finally let in.

Chloe is there to greet him and hand him his workload but he rushes past her and into the men’s room. She stands outside of it uncomfortable and she hears Jack’s exclamations of relief. Three minutes later he comes out wiping his hands on his shirt, “They need more paper towels in there.”

“I’ll get on it right away,” Chloe says, “There’s that manager’s meeting at 11. You better be ready for it.”

Jack isn’t.

“So, what’re you doing for lunch?” she asks.

“Me and Rick Schroeder are getting something. I need to get ready for the meeting.”

Jack gets to his desk, cluttered with Kitty bric-a-brac and shot glasses from around the US. Instead of going over his report, he checks his e-mail and his favorite movie news websites before playing Mah Jong Solitaire for the rest of the episode.

11am – 12n:
The Manager’s Meeting is full. People mill about the doughnuts and coffee tray before sitting down to hear Bill Buchanan talk about the new protocol for requesting days off that went into effect this week, meaning if you asked for days off last week you will need to do it again this week using the new protocol or your request, under the old protocol, is cancelled. He explains this looking at Jack, who has arrived a little late. Also, the exterminator is coming in this weekend to fumigate the offices due to a vermin infestation. Because of this there is a new protocol for lunches; no more food at the desks, you will be required to eat in the commissary or off-grounds going through the new security measures. Also, it’s Milo’s birthday and everyone should chip in for a cake and gift, $10 maximum. Don’t forget to buy a brick for the fundraiser. Minimum purchase, which is mandatory, is $25. Jack opts to have it taken out of his pay check.

12n – 1pm:
The meeting goes 11 minutes long while Bill stresses how important and how mandatory buying a fundraising brick is. While leaving the meeting Rick Schroeder and Jack discuss lunch options, while avoiding Chloe.

Rick: What do you think? What are you in the mood for?
Jack: Chinese food. How about Chang’s Kitchen?
Rick: But you spent 2 years in a Chinese Prison.
Jack: But I love Chinese food. Isn’t that ironic?

After another bathroom stop they leave CTU, spend the episode eating a large Chinese lunch and talking sports and guy stuff. They pay and decide to hit the bookstore next door to check out some magazines.

1pm – 2pm:
Jack buys a paper and a couple of magazines and waits for Rick to come down from the coffeeshop. Rick arrives with a large mocha ice something and they walk back to CTU.

Back in the office they get the memo about the mandatory session with Human Resource. Jack and Rick sit in on sessions about anger management, office efficiency, and direct deposit paperwork. Jack picks up some direct deposit forms and heads back to his cubicle.

2pm – 3pm:
They finish the mandatory sessions and back in his office Jack continues Mah Jong until computer freezes, “What’d I’d do? What’d I’d do?” He calls the IT guys who tell them they’ll get there right away. “But I need to type stuff up” he whines. Jack switches to the Gameboy he has stashed in his desk. Time to time, he hides it when Bill walks past.

Bill: Mm yeah, we’re going to need those reports right away.
Jack: Can’t, my computer is down. IT is on the way.
Bill: Yeah, just go ahead and get that report done, okay?

IT Guys show up and work on the computer while Jack goes to check out what Rick is doing.

3pm – 4pm
They spend most of their time jawing with each other over mundane stuff and who’s the hottest in CTU. Jack borrows Rick’s computer to check careerbuilder.com, because he isn’t going to do this the rest of his life. He applies to some other jobs. They talk some more and Jack reveals that he really wants to write a book. He has so many story that are in his head. Writing would be cool.

4pm – 5pm
Turns out Jack’s firewall disabled Java Script and he forgot to enable it so now his computer is working again. But Rick and Jack continue messing around at their cubicles, playing trash basket ball and cubicle volleyball. They decide that they can use CTU’s vast resources to cancel the plate and insurance of the car that cut him off at Mc Donald’s earlier. They giggle as they eventually erase the car owner’s identity. Rick playfully punches Jack’s shoulder, “Dude, you’re so mean.”

They spend some time using CTU equipment to eavesdrop on Nadia and Chloe in the bathroom but give it up when they start talking flows.

For the last fifteen minutes of the work day they actually fall into a pace and get some of their work done. Then the evening shift comes in and Jack goes to punch out.

5pm – 6pm:
Jack goes through security again; ID’s, finger prints, eye scans, passwords, voice recognition, mouth swabs, anal probes. Chloe catches up with him but he manages to avoid any commitment to getting together later. Finally he rolls out and finds himself stuck in traffic once more. “I knew I should have taken a helicopter home.”

6pm – 7pm:
Jack slowly rolls home playing music and singing the Flintstones theme. Once off the interstate he pulls into a Jiffy Lube for an oil change. While the Acura is up on the
Rack, he walks across the street to pick up his dry cleaning. He tries to call his daughter Kim but she isn’t picking up. With his Acura done he rolls into a Safeway to pick up dinner, lots of bottled tea and chips. He mostly buys microwave-able meals, having a tough time deciding which Hungryman meals to buy for the next couple of weeks.

He pays and makes his way out of the store when he runs into one of his daughter’s grade school friend’s dad. They talk about the weather and stuff and Jack finally loads his car and drives out of the parking lot to home.

7pm – 8pm:
Jack comes home, arms loaded with TV dinners and bottled tea, to an empty apartment. He throws a Salisbury Steak meal into the microwave and starts to gather up his clothes to do the laundry. Once the machine is going he gets on the stationary bike for five minutes while the washer runs, but gives up on it. Instead he dusts for a while.

While dusting his entertainment center comes across a Pirates of the Caribbean DVD, he puts it in the machine, gets his TV dinner, peels the film off and licking his fingers, sits and begins eating his meal and watches the pirates play at sea. The end of another day.

Sorry, no cliffhangers...

300: A Review

A Review of 300
By Ernest M. Whiteman III

This Zack Snyder epic, based on Frank Miller’s graphic novel about the defense of Thermopylae, is a movie specifically geared towards attracting pretty much the likes of me. It is my kind of movie; based on a comic book, heavy with stylized cinematography, bloody battles, naked chicks dancing and kissing one another; it truly is a movie made for Ernest M. Whiteman III.

So, why didn’t I like it better?

First and foremost, this is a "Cool" movie, as Kevin Murphy (MST3K) would label it. It is movie so steeped in styled mise-en-scene, blood, gore, nudity (female to attract the comic-book gents, and male to tag it as a "serious" movie) and digitized photography that in certain realms of the cinema elite, it is virtually beyond negative critique. If you dislike this movie, then there is something wrong with your artistic filmic sensibilities, and since you do not get it, then your opinion is worth nothing in the larger context of persuading a reader NOT to see this movie, no matter how bad it really is. Simply, because it is "cool". KILL BILL is another movie that comes to mind (Bad, but "cool").

I never read the graphic novel on which it is based. So I can only base my opinions on what I saw on the screen and how the movie played out. The story of 300 is about the Spartan king Leonidas defending Sparta against the onslaught of the Persian God King Xerxes and his million-man army. This story is tailor-made for Frank Miller to adapt with its hard-ass protagonists and sweaty body chauvinism.

I am a fan of Frank Miller, his "The Dark Knight Returns" is a masterpiece, but this is not a Frank Miller movie. It is Zack Snyder’s. And Snyder jam-packed the jingoistic platitudes from beginning to end. Patriotic psalms take the place of actual dialogue. The shouting of "EVERY. IMPORTANT. THING!" was very annoying, almost like Kelsey Grammar doing MacBeth. All of the cool dialogue, used over and over in the trailers we saw, helped only in losing their power in the context in the movie.

"TONIGHT. WE DINE. IN HELL!" was such a letdown that I felt for sure that Leonidas was going to say something immediately after to keep the tension of his words high. But he did not. I almost laughed out loud when the Queen actually said, "Freedom isn’t free". In my mind, and almost out loud, I replied, no, there’s a hefty f^cking fee. The Queen’s subplot was pretty much useless and I read that it was only inserted to draw a female audience. You see? 300 had to try to be more than it actually was. By inserting male nudity, it proclaims its seriousness, by inserting a female subplot, it proclaims equality. But this is a sham.

People will say that there is not, nor should not, be political ideologies in this film, but they are hard to miss. It portrays the idea that if you do not conform to patriotic, faux machismo, you are not good enough, or patriotic enough, or man enough to die for your country. There is also a lot of veiled "Americanism". It is there, but they tell you to overlook it or else you will not "get it". But when it is that in-your-face, you cannot help but see it.

Almost all of the Spartans were Anglo, the evil that tries to dominate them are dark, or effeminate. The Spartans were fighting for freedom and family, the Persians want to destroy that. So, basically, whites rock, they are man enough. But darkies, and misanthropes, are evil.

Also, in another stunning disappointment, slow-motion was greatly overused; as if to say, "Break out your Frank Miller’s 300 graphic novels so you can turn to the exact page and see how accurate we are in presenting the same scene from the comic book on the screen". I can understand using slow-motion to underscore an action to highlight its importance, but everything, every 60 seconds seemed to be something SO important that slow-motion was employed constantly. It got old after a while.

The only time is was used properly was early on in the battle when the camera follows one Spartan as he battled through the Persian hordes, highlighting his actions and moves to show us a well-seasoned fighter. But every 60 seconds? Come on. I agree with my buddy Christian, I was hoping to see really cool battle scenes, but there just weren’t any. There were just a series of these cool shot after cool shot sequences to depict a larger battle going on.

What is there to like about this? First and foremost, the imagery. It looks frickin’ fantastic. (And I rarely use the word "frickin’".) It is an arresting movie to look at. That one fight sequence was pretty good. Naked chicks kissing each other is always a favorite for these kinds of audiences. You just know that there will be more films like this because of 300’s success. (Again, I think KILL BILL.)

So, if you like veiled nationalistic propaganda disguised as a sweaty militaristic and sexual anxiety exercise, give your film sensibilities a well-lubed man-fondling and go see 300.

Now, go ahead, and tell me I didn’t get it.