"You know what I really hate ...?"
No, Clive, tell us.
This silly, very bad, action cartoon asks that you never take it seriously. I didn't.
...I really, really, didn't. But in the end it was still pretty bad. But a fun bad. Even with Clive Owen doing his Tough Guy/"I'm still pissed that I'm NOT James Bond" schtick, Paul Giamatti in yet another cool-funny perfomance, AND Monica Bellucci as a prostitute, it still failed to live up to its own low expectations. I am an action movie fan. I dig me some gun battlin'. (Woo is still the best of the best. No matter how frenetic the editing that is employed. Woo created dance sequences.) I want to make an action movie. Heck, the first feature I am planning to make is an action movie, so I studied this movie. This movie seemed tired after the thirtieth or so gun battle.
Man, take it easy on the shaky-hand-held shots and micro-second cutting, we get it, it is an action-packed scene. We couldn't tell with all the loud shooting, screaming and mayhem that was going that you need to add "excitement" in the form of a camera man in the middle of a conniption and an edior with ADD. Come on.
There was a plot. Yes, there was. But it hardly bothers with it. Being bombarded with Clive's Sneer, Bellucci's Tears, and Giamatti's Leers, in between frenetically paced, cartoonish gun fights, left me feeling bored. Yep, bored. I said it. Even the Skydiving Gun Fight, a cool, original idea, is a letdown because it too is mired in the same style pacing of every other gun fight. This is the antithesis of "300", which slowed every little thing to a crawl, this amp them to minimalism. Somewhere along the line something derail between the planning and execution (hah) of this sequence.
The soundtrack rocked (Any used of AC-DC is welcomed.) but again boredom creeped in with the constant guitar riffs. Guys, how many Leone Homages do we need to suffer before we get to say "Okay you have in fact viewed other movies", how many of the so-close-you-can-see-their-eye-boogers shots do we need any how? Every action film should require one. Or less.
"Shoot 'Em Up" is still a fun bad kind of film. Because, only Monica Bellucci can imply nakedness without show us anything really, Clive's "Smith" character still brings her to climax during a shoot out, and Giamatti scowling and saying more funny-cool stuff, is fun stuff. So, if this seemed to be your bag of chips, by all means, go see it. But, be prepared to feel like you wasted your time and money on something you could TiVo off the satelitte dish in a few months.
Oh yeah, there is a newborn baby placed in constant danger. I mean, Michael Jackson dangling him off the balcony type of danger. Wait for it to show on cable for free.
Until next time: "You know what I really hate ...?"
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