300: A Review

A Review of 300
By Ernest M. Whiteman III

This Zack Snyder epic, based on Frank Miller’s graphic novel about the defense of Thermopylae, is a movie specifically geared towards attracting pretty much the likes of me. It is my kind of movie; based on a comic book, heavy with stylized cinematography, bloody battles, naked chicks dancing and kissing one another; it truly is a movie made for Ernest M. Whiteman III.

So, why didn’t I like it better?

First and foremost, this is a "Cool" movie, as Kevin Murphy (MST3K) would label it. It is movie so steeped in styled mise-en-scene, blood, gore, nudity (female to attract the comic-book gents, and male to tag it as a "serious" movie) and digitized photography that in certain realms of the cinema elite, it is virtually beyond negative critique. If you dislike this movie, then there is something wrong with your artistic filmic sensibilities, and since you do not get it, then your opinion is worth nothing in the larger context of persuading a reader NOT to see this movie, no matter how bad it really is. Simply, because it is "cool". KILL BILL is another movie that comes to mind (Bad, but "cool").

I never read the graphic novel on which it is based. So I can only base my opinions on what I saw on the screen and how the movie played out. The story of 300 is about the Spartan king Leonidas defending Sparta against the onslaught of the Persian God King Xerxes and his million-man army. This story is tailor-made for Frank Miller to adapt with its hard-ass protagonists and sweaty body chauvinism.

I am a fan of Frank Miller, his "The Dark Knight Returns" is a masterpiece, but this is not a Frank Miller movie. It is Zack Snyder’s. And Snyder jam-packed the jingoistic platitudes from beginning to end. Patriotic psalms take the place of actual dialogue. The shouting of "EVERY. IMPORTANT. THING!" was very annoying, almost like Kelsey Grammar doing MacBeth. All of the cool dialogue, used over and over in the trailers we saw, helped only in losing their power in the context in the movie.

"TONIGHT. WE DINE. IN HELL!" was such a letdown that I felt for sure that Leonidas was going to say something immediately after to keep the tension of his words high. But he did not. I almost laughed out loud when the Queen actually said, "Freedom isn’t free". In my mind, and almost out loud, I replied, no, there’s a hefty f^cking fee. The Queen’s subplot was pretty much useless and I read that it was only inserted to draw a female audience. You see? 300 had to try to be more than it actually was. By inserting male nudity, it proclaims its seriousness, by inserting a female subplot, it proclaims equality. But this is a sham.

People will say that there is not, nor should not, be political ideologies in this film, but they are hard to miss. It portrays the idea that if you do not conform to patriotic, faux machismo, you are not good enough, or patriotic enough, or man enough to die for your country. There is also a lot of veiled "Americanism". It is there, but they tell you to overlook it or else you will not "get it". But when it is that in-your-face, you cannot help but see it.

Almost all of the Spartans were Anglo, the evil that tries to dominate them are dark, or effeminate. The Spartans were fighting for freedom and family, the Persians want to destroy that. So, basically, whites rock, they are man enough. But darkies, and misanthropes, are evil.

Also, in another stunning disappointment, slow-motion was greatly overused; as if to say, "Break out your Frank Miller’s 300 graphic novels so you can turn to the exact page and see how accurate we are in presenting the same scene from the comic book on the screen". I can understand using slow-motion to underscore an action to highlight its importance, but everything, every 60 seconds seemed to be something SO important that slow-motion was employed constantly. It got old after a while.

The only time is was used properly was early on in the battle when the camera follows one Spartan as he battled through the Persian hordes, highlighting his actions and moves to show us a well-seasoned fighter. But every 60 seconds? Come on. I agree with my buddy Christian, I was hoping to see really cool battle scenes, but there just weren’t any. There were just a series of these cool shot after cool shot sequences to depict a larger battle going on.

What is there to like about this? First and foremost, the imagery. It looks frickin’ fantastic. (And I rarely use the word "frickin’".) It is an arresting movie to look at. That one fight sequence was pretty good. Naked chicks kissing each other is always a favorite for these kinds of audiences. You just know that there will be more films like this because of 300’s success. (Again, I think KILL BILL.)

So, if you like veiled nationalistic propaganda disguised as a sweaty militaristic and sexual anxiety exercise, give your film sensibilities a well-lubed man-fondling and go see 300.

Now, go ahead, and tell me I didn’t get it.