D-Wars, D-Review!

D-Wars: D-Review!

My (at-the-time) eight-year-old loved this movie. And I love her.

But I really did not like this movie. Ah, the trials of parenthood.

The movie, a Korean import, revolves around a centuries-old myth about good and evil dragons. Or pre-dragon lizards. Or "proto-dragons" if you will, or just really big snakes. Somehow, a Korean warrior, 500 years ago, failed to protect a beautiful, tattooed woman from "merging" with the good lizard thus ensuring peace for forever; opting instead to run away with her having fallen in love with her. This is told in flashback style to a much better but no-less confusing movie.

In the present frame, we have once-great Robert Forrester as the reincarnated Korean Sage, flailing his hands and speaking to everyone in that tone adults get when addressing a second-grader with ADD. He spends most of the movie stalking the reincarnated Korean Warrior who is re-born as boring Anglo who looks like that "trendspotting" Guy from the Daily Show. But not funny. When he appeared on screen my first instinct was to sing, "trends".

He discovers that he must now re-protect the reincarnated tattooed woman, reborn as a ditzy, boring blond. But not funny. Why the Fates would rest the survival of the planet on the shoulders of a guy, whom, so elegantly screwed it up the first time around, and give him another chance to screw it up again is beyond me. But, hey, that’s the Fates for you. Never trust them!

Now the bad guy is a Vader rip off; a European-y Club DJ looking Cat in a black leather trench coat and laryngitis, who has the bad habit of standing in front of moving cars. A lot. Although he leads a horde of armed, armored minions, he still cannot catch the Boring Couple, despite the assistance of a million flying mini-dragons, armored tanks, a gigantic f^cking lizard, and the fact that the Boring Couple, indeed the rest of society goes on with its day despite the presence of a huge f^cking lizard destroying downtown.

"Reports of a huge, f^cking lizard destroying downtown? I’m still going to stop in and get on my laptop at the coffeeshop!"

The huge, f^cking lizard was pretty useless too. It wrecked half the town in search of the Boring Girl, homing in with laser-precision with some sort of mental connection thingee-deal. Yet, whenever it had her cornered, say in a hospital room or, ON TOP OF A F^CKING BUILDING(!), it would slither and corner her at the speed of light, yet, upon reaching her, instead of, you know, maybe killing her, it would rear back and scream (Beowulf Style) as if to say "Whoa Mama, I’m gonna enjoy this!"

The Boring couple would just simply get in the car and drive off. The huge, f^cking lizard, who found her in nano-seconds, suddenly unable to keep up with a K-car. And the people in the streets who ignored all the warnings of a huge, f^cking lizard destroying the city, scream and run for their lives, their latte time ruined.

Now, there was a cool aerial battle between the millions of flying mini-dragons and Apaches. (The helicopters not the Indians. Though that would have been cool too. But it would be over too quick as the Apaches would wipe them like an- Off topic.) It contained the most realistic radio-chatter I have heard in a movie. Too bad it was completely wasted in this film and used as padding.

Another cool thing was at the end when (don’t care if I spoil it) the Boring Girls finally merges with the good, huge, f^ucking lizard, which waits until the last possible moment to show up. Why? The resultant dragon is very cool and Asian in appearance. (See image at top.) Too bad it was wasted in this film.

And can someone please tell me why the Indestructible Bad Guy always, always brings along the one person who could possible stop them on their final World Dominating scheme? He ties Dimitri Martin, to a post RIGHT NEXT TO the alter where he is going to kill the Boring Girl! Who thought up that plan? Would it have made more sense for Goldfinger to simply drop Bond from a plane, sans parachute over the Alps or something instead of dragging him to the site of his plan’s fruition? Come on.

Anyways, Dimitri gets loose and gets pounded on by Euro-DJ Guy for a while before Euro-DJ Guy inadvertently kills him self. No crap. This paves the way for the Good Lizard to apprear for some reason and the cool dragon fights the evil lizard. Spoiler: good wins.

All U.S. actors were spliced in in a fashion that would make the post-death of Bruce Lee Producers of "Game of Death" proud. Now, slumming it with Forrester were Elizabeth Pena and Geoffrey Pierson. (Of obscurity fame) I was surprised that a fella wearing a cut-out of Bruce Lee’s face didn’t make an appearance.

It would have been better for everyone to have had listened to the only Native American portrayed in the film, with his bandana, braids and dream catcher vest pins. He simply told everyone mucking around the sleeping evil lizard to leave it alone. But no. No one ever listens to the Native guy. Then you wonder why you have a huge, f^cking lizard smashing your Intellensia.

I did not like this movie. Avoid it.

But, my then-eight-year-old loved it. And I love her. So I watched it.

So you won’t have to....